Sleeptime

I hear the silence it is so very loud,
It vibrates 'round me like a bomb.
I hear the silence it is so very quiet,
It seeps in every corner of my being.

I hear the silence yelling from within,
I hear the silence deafening all around,
I hear the silence crushing everything,
I hear the silence screaming, screaming
I hear the silence.

I see the darkness it does not end,
It goes on and on like an empty void,
I see the darkness surrounding the flicker,
It glares hungrily at the center of me.

I see the darkness the black hole growing,
I see the darkness the abyss within,
I see the darkness seeping into corners,
I see the darkness staring back at me,
I see the darkness.

Urge

I got the urge to write today. An urge that I have not had in many months. An urge, that honestly, I thought had been decimated in the chaotic cyclonic conflagration that was my world for most of last year.

As with most of what remains in the aftermath of destruction it does not seem to resemble its old self. So distorted is the appearance that I am not even sure it is what it appears to be. Maybe I am merely caught in the delusion of the eye's calm beguile and not truly through to the other side. I have that feeling, that sinking one that we get in the very pit of our being, the one that warns of something, something coming, something bad coming.

Am I being overly dramatic? Am I being paranoid? Am I being self-destructive? Am I letting old scars overwhelm me?

This urge, while it has the tool....writing.....it resembles nothing else.

That is not my normal method. I am not a born writer. Writing is not the URGE! Sharing, knowledge, learning, thinking, questioning....that is the URGE. Writing has just become the means by which to exercise the urge. Discourse, dialogue, speaking, listening, conversing could just as easily be the means and even a more desirable one for its intimacy, intensity, immediacy, mobility and emotionality.  But, writing is the one that only requires me and no one else, while the other means requires the attendance and participation of at least somebody or anybody but cannot be accomplished with nobody.

Thus, I wonder, why the urge to write and why today? And what am I supposed to write about?  The about has always been my urge before. It is the topic or subject matter or message that has always created the urge in the past. It was the about that screamed to be told that created the urge that became the writing; not, the writing that created the urge to find an about.

So here I sit trying to figure out  why I have an urge without the about and how to discover the about so that the urge can be relieved and I feel as foreboding as the gray clouds covering the sky in the chill that is so rare for this little town on the river.

Letter Never Sent....

Dear Love,

I know that I have never been easy. I know that most of the time I have been more than difficult. Each day with you I seem to find another broken piece of me. I knew before you that I was not whole and that I was cracked; but, I never knew just how completely broken I was. I have come to the conclusion that there is no part of me that is not broken. It is simply a matter of just how broken the parts of me are. I have tried to fit my pieces back together, yet, there are so many pieces that I am not capable. I have tried to put up a wall to hide the shattered remains that are my heart and soul, and it falls and crumbles to the ground.

In front of me you stand so solid and strong and complete. You are beautiful. You are perfection. You are everything that I wish I was. You are beautiful and I am plain. You are colorful and I am monochrome. You are strong and I am pieces. You are success and I am ruins. You are the empire and I am the lost. You are the Sun and I am the shadow. You are the Moon and I am the darkness. You are the stars and I am the dust.

So I sit in my corner and try to pick up my pieces. Then the gales blow and they are scattered again. I sit in my corner and try to fit the pieces together. Then the hail comes and knocks them down again. I sit in my corner and try to color my pieces. Then the darkness comes and hides it all. Every time I try, it is not enough.

You are there forever in my view. I am forever in love with you. So I stay in my corner and I keep trying, even when I am lost, even when I am tired, even when I am defeated, even when I am alone. I hope and pray that you see me trying and that it matters to you. I hope and pray that you will be patient with me. I hope that you will not give up on me.

I hope.....

The Mountian

You climb the mountain
Only to stumble and fall
Skinned knees and
Scrapped hands

You shed your tears
Catch your breath
Stand up and
Dust off

You try again
Only to fall again
Bruises and blood
More scars

You hang your head
Hide your tears
Silent screams and
Waves of doubt

You look around
No one seen
Eyes to the sky
Silence

You start again
Just another round
One more time
One more

My Addiction

I miss you so.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss the smile spreading across your face.
I miss the touch of your hand.
I miss the way you make me feel.
I miss that look and wink.
I miss coffee in bed.
I miss blankets on the terrace.
I miss stolen covers.
I miss kisses in the rain.
I miss sharing gyros.
I miss laughing over drinks.
I miss afternoon delights.
I miss slow dancing at home.
I miss walking in the snow.
I miss 'tickets' on the train.
I miss your shoulder.
I miss your chest.
I miss your arms.
I miss you!
All of you!

Dreams to Reality

The first day was magic
You were like a dream
A dream that I dared not dream

The first hello was spell binding
Your voice was a song
A song that sung to my soul

The first kiss was all consuming
You took me in like a child
A child lost and finally found

The first embrace was pure heaven
Your arms were strong and protective
A heaven to protect me always

The first night was unimaginable
You were perfection in the flesh
A perfection that shone on me

The first caress was captivating
You held my breath, my heart beat
A moment in time unending

Every first with you is phenomenal
You are truly pulchritudinous
A dream made real for me

You Tell Me

You tell me I do not have to always change everything,
I wonder if you know all the things I accept,
You tell me I should find my own way,
I wonder if you know how long I walked alone,
You tell me I should do for myself,
I wonder what I am not doing right.

You tell me I am pretty,
I wonder when you saw me last,
You tell me I am smart,
I wonder if you see what I see,
You tell me my voice is heaven,
I wonder what I could say to you.

I tell you how amazing you are,
You smile and tell me, yes,
I tell you how special you are,
You smile and tell me, yes,
I tell you how talented you are,
You smile and tell me, yes.

I tell you how much I love you,
I wonder if you know what I mean,
I tell you how much I respect you,
I wonder if you know just how much,
I tell you how much I admire you,
I wonder if you see what I see in you.

You tell me Good Morning
I light up like the Sun,
You tell me I love you
My dreams come true,
You are my everything
One day I will deserve my everything

You Are...

You Are My Sun,
For When You Are Near My World Is Bright.
You Are My Moon,
For When You Hold Close I Feel Your Magic.
You Are My Air,
For Your Kisses Give Me The Greatest High.
You Are My Water,
For Your Voice Carries Me Away From Troubled Shores.
You Are My Fortress,
For With You I Am Almost Invincible.
You Are My Soul,
For Your Love Makes Me Whole.

You Are My Everything!
Yesterday.
Today.
Tomorrow.
Forever.

Adrift

Set adrift in the dark,
Alone with no light,
Clouds hide the moon,
The stars do not shine.

What do I have?
There is nothing here.
Where do I go?
There is no where,

I read your words,
Written so long ago,
The only warmth I know,
I wrap my heart in them.

They are my only hope,
I was in the abyss,
And it was loving you -
That guided me out.

When I found solid ground,
I thought I was safe again,
But now I am lost at sea,
And the darkness doesn't leave.

You are my only dream,
I whisper your name,
Over and over again,
Until, I almost feel you.

If I am strong enough,
If I try hard enough,
If I am right enough,
Then maybe, just maybe...

What Noone Noticed

Millions of little shards,
Scattered among the sand,
Drifting with dirt,
Blown away on the wind,
Washed away with the tides.

All the little pieces -
That use to fit together,
All the little pieces -
No longer matching,
All the little pieces -
All that is left.

Gone is the heart,
Gone is the mind,
Gone is the soul,
Gone, gone, gone.

Pink shredded ribbons hang,
Blood rivers flowing
From the emptiness,
The gaping hole.

Paleness spreading,
Shadows forming,
Light leaving,
Night consuming.

Unfinished

Numb eyes visions every rise
Ring I'm gone home tomorrow
Almost longing with a yearning smile
Where rivers over night's gone.

More are yellow beneath eyes
Take on more only red rice or wine
Need old top hat I nudge good
Torn on doors away yourself