Thrills For Thinkers

James Rollins is the action/adventure writer for 3 digit IQs! If you want an heroic escape that also requires fast-thinking and in-depth understanding of "who knows what high-tech/super-smart invention mixed with ancient knowledge or esoteric understanding" disaster this time; then Rollins is your man. He creates a unique blend of the military brawn with an M.I.T. intellect and that makes for one page-turning thriller ride! 

The Eye of God, pits the Sigma Force members against the cosmos, time, and the bad guys! If you want to keep up the pace have your physics mind-set turned on and your memory banks loaded with your CE history knowledge! You will need both. Rollins does a great job of beginning in 3 totally disconnected and unrelated points not just on the globe but relative speaking of import as well. The future and past slam head long into saving the girl and saving the world, but in the end, is there really any difference in the two...

I'll Go...

Hi, I am Cassi, and I am an over-thinker! Yes, that's me. I always have been, more so as I have gotten older. I guess it comes from my overly curious nature. I ALWAYS want to know EVERYTHING about something! And if something happens in my world/life, then I want to know all of the why did that happen! 

I admit that I am not so much a 'What If'er' but after the fact I will replay and dissect and analyze and ponder and wonder every part of every conversation or action or whatever that happened. I am constantly thinking. I have had people ask me, how do you have time to think all the things that you come up with? Easy, my brain is always pursuing multiple lines of thoughts. I have a very hard time shutting my brain off. 

I jokingly 'confess' to people that I have a chaotically random brain. Most people do not like to have conversations with me and I get that. I mean seriously, how many people want to maybe do the 'polite' 'social' small talk of weather knowing that it is liable to end up in a plethora of questioning genome dispersal in disassociation to dogma 'out of Africa' migration movement. And yes, my brain can easily make the connections from 'nice weather we're having today' to genome dispersal.  

Thus, I make every effort to keep my mouth tightly guarded. Over the years I have been fortunate enough to meet a couple people that seemed to be intrigued by my mental aerobatics, and I have been very thankful for those couple of people, even when life diverged our paths. Even more so, due to the fact that if even intrigued, I am sure that I am still VERY much a challenge to deal with. 

My solution is to try not to interact too much with people, cause the desire to have these conversations is overwhelming at times. The flip-side is that I am SO happy when I am blessed with someone that actually wants to engage me in conversation, that I can become like a broken damn. 

As if all that isn't enough to make me 'weird' enough, I have never been good with the social/relationship games; and, that can lead to all kinds of issues. If I am comfortable with you and like you then I have the awful tendency to say just what comes to my mind without always thinking it through first. Ironically, to be such an over-thinker, I am a very spontaneously, impulsively, emotional Girl! And that is a challenging combination. 

Add to that that I am a really good friend. A loyal, to the point of stupidity, friend. An ALWAYS there for you no matter what, where, or when friend. An "I don't just have your back, but I will jump in front if someone messes with you" friend. And, honestly, you do not even have to be a good or close friend for that ...... they get that tenfold ..... and a best friend...... well, that is tenfold of that. 

So where am I headed with all this rambling...... in today's world I have ALL the wrong qualities and none of the right ones. I am not rich or beautiful. I don't wear designer clothes or have lots of things. I don't even wear make-up or style my hair (other than a ponytail or braid). I am the proverbial fish out of water. 

I admit that I see the world entirely from a different point of view than most people do. The things that matter to me, do not matter to most people and vise versa. And overall, I am okay with that, in fact I am kinda proud of that fact. That being said I know that no one around me is proud of that fact about me. Matter of fact, they all seem to almost despise that fact about me. But, I digress. 

As I stated previously, I have prided myself, not on being the richest or the prettiest or the most successful or the most/best whatever'est, but on being a good person and with that a good friend. That might, okay, it usually means that I am the 'different' friend, the one that reacts differently or sees things that no one else sees. Cause, if I have made the effort to call you friend, you matter to me; your health matters to me; your joy matters to me; your dreams matter to me; in short, your everything matters to me. 

What does that mean? It means that more than likely, I am your biggest fan, your most active supporter, your most ardent defender, your most gung-ho protector. Not that you may need me to be any of those things, nor that I think you need me to be any of those things; but, because in my mind and heart that is what you do for a friend.

Yes, I get that most people do not do a lot of those things or think that way about their friends; nor do they expect any of the above from their friends either. And it should be stated that I do not expect it from those that call me friend. However, that knowledge will not stop me from being who I am when I consider you friend. I, honestly, think that fact loses me friends. But that's life. It certainly, upsets friends when I do display any of those qualities, unless the friend has actually asked for the quality to be used/displayed/given, then, it is usually much better received. 

All things considered, I try to take the good with the bad; not just in others but in myself as well. Like, in this post, I wondered off topic somehow and never got back around to the point that I wanted to make......so I will have to find that point again and the thoughts going with that point for next time. 

How Can I Know?

It is ironic how life sometimes chooses to teach us lessons. You are going along with your day to day challenges, trying to be better today than you were yesterday. You finally think that you might be figuring things out. You finally think you have a direction and purpose in life. That you might just have a place in this crazy messed up chaotic world we exist in. And if you are the insanely hopeful you might even had the totally ridiculous idea that your purpose might make a difference, not a whole new world kinda of difference, but maybe just a little tiny ripple in the great big huge pond of life. 

And when you feel like you are standing on the ground, even if you know it is only sand and not bedrock, but you are at least standing on the sand and not sinking in it, at least not above your toes....yes, ever the optimist and yes, it is a curse not a blessing; life looks down and sees your beginnings of peace and BAM! She has other ideas for you. How dare you think that you are enough for making a difference, making a change, feeling a level of success and having hope! You are not worthy, have you not paid attention to the things that you do, to how you treat others, to the way you move through the world. 

Girl, you've got EVERYTHING to learn before you can go thinking that you have any right to do anything that might make a difference in the world. Life laughs at you and muses, 'what's that saying about cleaning up your own house before you go trying to tell others how to'..... To say you are messed up, well that would mean that you have made some progress; and let me tell you missy, you have not! You have been deluding yourself, thinking that you are good and nice and helpful! 

You say 'Please.' and 'Thank you.' ...... Big F*ing Deal, those are just words! Don't you know words come in two forms empty and worthless and sincere and truthful! So you have manners, that doesn't mean that you are nice or sincere or good, it ONLY means that you have manners. 

You have a high IQ..... Big F*ing Deal! That doesn't mean that you know a damn thing! What good is having a foundation if you NEVER build a house?!?! So you have potential, but what have you ever REALLY done with it? 

You think you are good and nice.......REALLY!?!?!?! Do tell, I am all ears!!! How many homeless have you helped feed this month? None, oh okay. Well, how many animals have to saved this year? None, again???? Well, I am sure that if we keep going that we can find something, somewhere.......I know, how many books have you read to children this week? None, really? I thought you liked books and reading; you do? Just not sharing them, I see. So your Facebook posts are for others and not yourself, nice! Got that #hashtag activism down I see! How many articles of clothing have you donated this year to the poor? None, again.....but, don't you have a stack of them in your closet to go, but what you cannot be bothered to make a special trip out of your way for such a thing! Okay, let's go easy for you.....how much money have your donated to charity this past month? $1 ........ WOW! ONE WHOLE dollar! You must have really gone out of your way for that one! I don't guess that I have to point out the obvious, considering that you have such a high IQ, do I????

No, trust me, letting the person I respect most in the world, make the observation about how I really am......... well, let's just say that it certainly got the point across better than a sucker punch! 

Yes, life certainly has a way! I, honestly, would have never on my own taken a long hard look at how I interact with others and how that interaction comes off. And seeing it now, well, it has knocked all the wind out of my sails and it has left me dazed and confused to say the least.....but, most of all, I am overwhelmed with shame and guilt that I have believed that I was someone good and honest and sincere, when it was the exact opposite that was true! 

Now, the reality or truth.....I have spent pretty much my whole adult life trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday, trying to help others, trying to do good and right, trying to speak up for those that did not have a voice or the courage to use it, trying to support and encourage those around me, those that I love and care about to be happy and be good and follow their dreams and make the world a better place.....for what? To keep pretending that I was good or nice? To hide that I am not? 

What is reality or truth? I was told in a PJ Orientation Course that I was right, when I stated that the truth was what one believed. Yet, here I was believing that I was a good person, to find out that I have absolutely NO IDEA, what I am! If I have been so very wrong about my views and my self-awareness for so long, then how can I know what is truth and what is just wishful thinking????